Just today, one half of a popular ice cream company unleashed his own personal Bernie Sanders-themed flavour. He’s been insinuating he would do it eventually, but now that time is come! Savour the might and magic of the very very VERY limited edition: Bernie’s Yearning!
Granted I’ve had my fair share of exciting times with Ben & Jerry’s (I do loved me some Americone Dream back in the day), but boy this flavour. Look at this description of what to expect from the After School Special of Ice Cream:
Now I admire Ben & Jerry’s candour of supporting Bernie, but think about the efficacy of the social impact of this flavour if it had been brought out to the masses. You’re one of the fine 99%, you work hard, and you want to enjoy yourself one night with a nice pint of ice cream. There’s “Bernie’s Yearning” on the shelf. You may have heard of Bernie, he wants to make American great but unlike that other guy who says that, so you purchase the ice cream. You go to your house/apartment/room/barrio/ruin, and you open the ice cream up ready to enjoy it!
…Then you find that there’s a big fucking wall of chocolate there, and you’re wondering what the fuck is this shit. You look around the case and find the aforementioned instructions shown above. Turns out that after you’ve finished work you have to work AGAIN for ice cream. So after a few minutes when the ice cream is somewhat melted, you just chisel away at the surface and find it’s nothing but basic mint ice cream underneath. The ice cream has not melted enough yet, so the struggle to mix everything together is a rather cumbersome task and you’re worried the ice cream will get too liquid for you to enjoy. The case says that’s “Bernie’s Yearning”, but maybe he could’ve just co-opted a generic Mint Chocolate Chip flavour and described it as his yearning (showing AND telling). Then you spy that last bit to ‘share it with your fellow Americans’. After the 20 or so minutes you spent WORKING on ice cream, you decide to eschew that suggestion and enjoy it yourself. It’s your night; YOU get to enjoy the ice cream YOU wanted to buy. If Ben and Jerry want to come to your house and put a bullet in your head for not sharing then they’re welcome to.
If they don’t, the next time you’re peckish for ice cream you head down to the TCBY instead.
Because that’s what the 99% in Bernie’s mind want to do when they want to enjoy ice cream. They have to WORK to consume it AFTER working. Do not even get me started on how an act of violence (STRIKE HARD AGAINST THE 1%) predicates even eating ice cream, never mind that the flavour below is bereft of any personality, signifying the bland, unimpressive, America that Ben Cohen thinks this nation to be. In a sense it’s somewhat exactly like Bernie’s Simon and Garfunkel ad, where all I could muster for an opinion was that of Blade Runner’s Deckard: “…It’s too bright.” You would think the very essence of why Bernie is supported is to AMELIORATE needless work and overexertion of effort, not perpetuate it. Then there’s the fact there’s only 40 pints made, with 25 of them already donated to Bernie’s campaign. For the rest of the proles, if you’re not one of the lucky 15? “LET THEM EAT HAAGAN-DAZS!”
As for me, this makes me wish I was a shopkeeper, for I would’ve done this instead. If I am selling Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream, I would remove all of the main flavours and replace them with Bernie’s Yearning. If any customer asked why I’d do that? Well… You don’t necessarily need 56 flavours of ice cream when children are hungry in this country. Hell… You don’t necessarily need ice cream at all.
Now that’s a more effective message using Bernie’s Yearning, don’t you think?
Note: I’ve tried to enter into the contest for winning my own pint. For some reason, after putting in my info I’m led to the financial contribution page. Why is my entry into the contest predicated if I send money to Bernie?