Beaning ol’ Cecil (by arrow and/or bullet)

Of course this is relevant. When was the last time an animal named Cecil caused kids to flip their lids higher than the moon?
Of course this is relevant. When was the last time an animal named Cecil caused kids to flip their lids higher than the moon?

Gotta give the perpetually outraged credit, they’re indiscriminate in their vitriol whenever somebody showcases their conquest in hunting. Whether you’re Axelle Despiegelaere or Melissa Bachman, like a herd of wildebeests the outraged are whipped into a frenzied stampede in the hopes their foes get crushed by their righteous indignation. Yet since it came to light that one Walter Palmer killed a known celebrity lion, one 13-year-old Cecil, the ragamuffin wildebeests somehow developed a taste for blood. Not only have they started to peg the man’s dental practice, but wonderful human beings like Piers Morgan, the fine folks at PETA, and even a number of personal acquaintances on Facebook and Twitter, have sought to wish the man an utterly painful death*. It is probably a death in the same vain as Katherine Chappell’s in June of this year, only more X-rated for maximum arousal.

First off, ew. Why the hell does anybody think Cecil’s an acceptable name for a lion? It reeks of the worst internalized colonialism imaginable, evoking the megalomaniac Cecil Rhodes. Why should tears be shed at a vestige of the British Empire that has been maintained instead of renamed to a more proper title? If anything it just made Cecil get what was coming to him. It is highly doubtful he was named Cecil as a tribute to current Planned Parenthood head Cecile Richards, never mind a seasick sea serpent.

Second off, ruin his business? In this economy? It’s easy for cisgendered, 1%, white celebrities like Sharon Osbourne, Aaron Paul, and Piers Morgan to really put the screws on some upper-middle class schmuck. It’s a rather counterproductive affair really to scream for living wages and raising the minimum of it when private actions of an employer can cause people to not give two shits about people losing their livelihood. One may claim that Murphy ought not to have done that then it wouldn’t have happened, but rudimentary predeterminism does not make for a good excuse because someone did something upsetting. To paraphrase ol’ Bernie, apparently you don’t necessarily need more options for dental care when a lion is dead in Africa.

Third off, who WAS Cecil!? If anything he just might be the Herman Van Rompuy of felines: all the charisma of a damp rag, yet not with the appearance of a low-grade bank clerk. If anybody honestly loved him, why on Earth would he even be in Zimbabwe!? This is a country where its President for Life feasts on elephant, confiscates the land of white farmers (SH, that’s not racism, it’s merely prejudice cuz racism is only power plus privilege), and overall maintains the country as just one really big pile. More importantly, why wasn’t he ever in a zoo for the past 13 years of his life? One could argue that would deprive him of some dignity as the King of the Jungle or what have you, but then again nobody complained of Knut the Polar Bear’s short but memorable stint at the Berlin Zoo. Such actions would have probably saved Cecil.

When such thoughts, plus others, are combined together it brings forth the most utterly baffling display of internalized human misanthropy. Events like Cecil’s death triggers some deep savagery within the bien-pensants and brings about such forceful, if dime-a-dozen, calls for blood over what is essentially a disagreeable act. Yes, the act of Walter Palmer killing Cecil is only disagreeable as of yet, and barely just touches reprehensible. Unless it can be substantiated that he truly did not know who Cecil was, never mind that the approval process to allow him to big game hunt, this Dishonest John du jour does not deserve the demonic scorn heaped upon him.

Then again, even if he did do the wrong thing, the aforementioned scorn will be minimal on this author’s end thanks to the braying, patronizing, herd who apparently knew poor Cecil like he was their own. Then they would subsequently patronize the African hunting industry in a way only internalized colonialism could compel them to do. Unfortunately, there’s the issue of the complex nature of African geopolitics, where hunting is used as a means of conservation, and where regular Zimbabweans are ambivalent to the cat’s fate, and that’s no good. Then again, who are you going to listen to, the conservation entities and the Average Zimbabwean Joes that have to deal with this bullshit or Jim Norton? Come out of your Hiding Boxes you Huffenpuffs and think for once! It is quite unlikely Dishonest John would go through bureaucratic paperwork to grant him the opportunity to hunt, instead of doing it illegally.

Quite frankly at the end of it all, if it weren’t for all the flora and fauna, I would not be surprised if these wildebeests entertained thoughts to encase Africa in a terrarium, and then dump enough formaldehyde to keep it in place. No progress, no development, no opportunity for it to enter within the Concert of Nations. Africa will be frozen for all time because it NEEDS to be left alone and the people advocating such will involve themselves in any way possible to make that so.

The concept of the ‘human zoo’ never did fall out of favour. It was just relocated to another facility that for some reason is an entire continent.

* – I’m leaving out Jimmy Kimmel. Cuz he’s a weenie.

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